A man and a woman go to the carnival every year. Every time the man says,"Anna can we ride them airplanes that goes up for a couple of minutes then comes back down?"
The woman always replied by saying,"We don`t need to spend any extra money on them airplanes,its to expensive.Ten dollars is ten dollars.
Tom, the pilot, said," Larry, every year I hear you say you want to ride my airplanes, and every year Anna says it`s too expensive. I`ll make you a deal, if I do all of my flips and tricks with you in there with me, and you don`t say one word, I`ll give you the ride for free.
Anna and Larry discussed it and decided they would take the deal.They got up in the air and Tom did all of his tricks and flips.
Tom said,"Larry I just knew you`d say something on that first flip,but you didn`t!
Larry replied," i was going to say something when Anna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Watermelons
A fruit farmer hired two new workers for his fields, but before he sent them out for the day's work, he told them he had just one rule: don't steal any fruit. The two agreed to obey the rule.
After the day was over, the two workers came in to report to the farmer. He asked them if they had stolen any fruit, and immediately their conscience forced them to tell the truth.
"Yes, we did. We ate some when we got hungry," they said.
The farmer replied, "Ok, here is your punishment. I want each of you to go pick ten of your favorite fruit and come back to me."
The men couldn't believe their ears. This seemed more like a reward than a punishment!
After fifteen minutes, the first thief came back with ten cherries. The farmer promptly told him that as part of his punishment, he would have to stuff each cherry up his nose. The thief was upset about this, but he knew he had done wrong, so he slowly began to push the cherries up his nose one by one.
As he was working on the third cherry, he began to laugh hysterically. The farmer asked him, "What's so funny?"
The thief replied, "The other guy is out there picking watermelons!"
After the day was over, the two workers came in to report to the farmer. He asked them if they had stolen any fruit, and immediately their conscience forced them to tell the truth.
"Yes, we did. We ate some when we got hungry," they said.
The farmer replied, "Ok, here is your punishment. I want each of you to go pick ten of your favorite fruit and come back to me."
The men couldn't believe their ears. This seemed more like a reward than a punishment!
After fifteen minutes, the first thief came back with ten cherries. The farmer promptly told him that as part of his punishment, he would have to stuff each cherry up his nose. The thief was upset about this, but he knew he had done wrong, so he slowly began to push the cherries up his nose one by one.
As he was working on the third cherry, he began to laugh hysterically. The farmer asked him, "What's so funny?"
The thief replied, "The other guy is out there picking watermelons!"
Why?
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what
they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what
they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
Why'd you eat him?
A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"
Is It?
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
Prayer
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
Where's God?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?”
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?”
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"
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